The Legend of Zelda: Lincoln's Awakening
by 904QuarterlyFanFictionParty
Summary: A high school boy's life is changed after receiving a phone call from a mysterious woman in distress.. Please read my profile for information on why any of my uploaded content may seem strange to you!


In ancient Hylian texts, one of the largest prevailing legends relates to an artifact known as the Triforce. Specifically, the texts read, "The one who touches the Triforce will have whatever wish their heart desires". Created by goddesses, the Triforce was commonly divided into three pieces to protect it from falling into evil hands: A piece representing Courage created by the goddess Farore, a piece representing Power created by the goddess Din, and a piece representing Wisdom created by the goddess Nayru. These pieces were hidden within physical embodiments best representing these attributes, and were warred over by Kings and empires for centuries. Over time, the Triforce was forgotten, and as a result the land of Hyrule has remained peaceful. Unfortunately, peace never truly lasts forever…

Lincoln was a pizza boy that lived off Hyrule Street in Zachary, Lousiana. He lived at home with his dad, and a long-haired Maltese named Ivan. While working at Dominos was frequently eventful (the occasional wasp nest outside of a customer's house, or angry dog attacks), Lincoln long dreamed of real adventure, frequently wielding pizza boxes as shields when nobody was looking. Lincoln was your average high school senior nerd stereotype; he mostly stayed to himself, played video games, and got the occasional harassment from the jock types. Lincoln's days had become fairly routine at this point: Wake up, eat breakfast, go to school, eat lunch, go to work, eat dinner, come home, play video games, sleep, and repeat. He rarely saw his dad, as his dad worked a late shift, so most of his time at home was spent with Ivan.

One night, after a painfully long string of losses in League of Legends ranked games, Lincoln got a phone call from a number he did not recognize. The female voice on the phone urgently pleaded, _"Help! I have been kidnapped by my father, the King! I have long sought you out, Hero of Hyrule. My father seeks to gather the last piece of the Triforce…a piece that you carry. His aim is to completely take over the world! You must travel across 6 states to find my father's fortress in Tiburon, California. You will need to gather weapons along the way to overcome obstacles you may encounter. You must hurr-oh no! My father is returning, I must go. My name is..Zelda."_ At this point, the phone call was disconnected. Lincoln began to wonder what that call was about. Suddenly, from behind him on the floor, he heard a gruff voice suddenly say, _"Yo, pay attention!"_ Startled, Lincoln looked in the direction of the voice to find his Maltese, Ivan, staring directly at him speaking. _"We have to save the princess Zelda, Lincoln!" _continued Ivan, in the voice of a 60 year old chronic smoker, _"We will need to gather rupees, weapons, and a mount for our journey". _At this point, Lincoln thought that he possibly ate some bad mushrooms on his pizza. Ivan was losing his patience and raged, _"Link, fucking listen you punk ass bitch, we need to go NOW! I will show you the way for rupees and the legendary Hylian shield". _Lincoln liked the sound of being called Link for short…it seemed…..legendary.

Suddenly, Ivan left the room, and Link quickly followed. The talking Maltese ended up in Link's father's room, in from of a large treasure chest. _"Jesus! Fucking open the chest Link"_ impatiently quipped Ivan. As commanded, Link slowly, and dramatically opened the chest in his father's room. Music played in Link's head, building up the anticipation of opening the chest, and when finally opening it completely, the music ended triumphantly. Link found a massive hoard of 5000 rupees. _"Oh fuck yes,"_ moaned Ivan, _"now let me show you where the shield is."_ Ivan trotted towards the garage, and Link excitedly followed. The dungeon was dark, but Link courageously pressed on. _"Link, you stupid fucking idiot, light the torch so you can see in here." _urged Ivan. Link stumbled around a bit, but managed to find a switch to light the torch. In the corner of the dungeon, link found yet another chest. The music again played in his head, and upon opening the chest, Link found the mythical Hylian shield. _"Oh fuck yes,"_ moaned Ivan again, _"now we should begin our journey! We will need to find the legendary Master Sword". _

Determining that it would be dangerous to adventure out at night without a sword, Link decided to rest in the safety of his room until the next day. Morning approached, and Link already knew where the sword was. It had been staring him in the face his whole time in high school. The sword was sealed in a stone in the lair of the principal's office. Without any weapons, Link knew that it would be difficult for him to claim the sword, but he knew that he must be courageous if he was going to save the entire world, and Zelda. Without a mount, Link began his journey on foot with Ivan to claim the legendary blade with the power to repel evil. Minutes passed, but Link finally approached the dungeon where he would claim his blade. The dungeon was infested with Moblins, vicious pig-like creatures that eat humans for breakfast. _"Don't worry Link, as long as you avoid the dungeon corridors during the alarm bells which sound every hour, you should be able to sneak in!"_ advised Ivan. Link gathered his courage, and opened the doors to the dungeon.

Ivan was mostly right. The dungeon corridors were remarkably barren. Whenever a Moblin came into sight, Link would simply dive behind a hallway until the danger passed. Link repeated this process several times until he made his way to the leader of the Moblin's chamber. Moblar the Moblificient, leader of the Moblins was fortunately nowhere to be seen. _"Clearly he must be off torturing innocents or eating them"_ mused Ivan. Link nodded in agreement, and proceeded to open the door to Moblar's lair. Inside it was dark. Proactively, Link cut off Ivan's advice to light a torch by flipping a switch to do so. Link immediately saw his objective- The Master Sword was exactly where he remembered it. _"The Moblins must have been stationed here by the evil King himself to protect the sword from heroes like yourself," _Ivan posited, _"quickly claim the sword Link, so we can escape from this place!"_ Link dramatically approached the Master Sword, and with both hands began to attempt to remove the blade from its stone prison. _"You must believe with all of your heart that you are the hero to draw the blade from the stone!"_ encouraged Ivan as Link struggled with the blade. After a dramatic struggle, and epic music sequence, Link managed to wrest the blade from the stone, and held it triumphantly above his head. _"Oh fuck yes,"_ moaned Ivan yet again, _"now let's get out of here before Moblar returns!"_

Just then, Moblar the Moblificient, leader of the Moblins burst through the door squealing unintelligibly. Startled, Link began charging the Master Sword for a powerful attack. Moblar, seeing that his foe had claimed the legendary blade, grabbed his long spear from a nearby weapon rack. Moblar lunged towards Link, with bloodlust and fury in his eyes. Link quickly readied his shield to repel the attack. Moblar's spear attack was successfully repelled by the Hylian shield, but this interrupted Link charging his Master Sword for a powerful attack. Link began slashing his sword at Moblar. Link managed to land several glancing blows with his blade; despite the enormous size of Moblar, he was particularly agile. Moblar, flourished his spear, confusing Link, and successfully landed a swipe to the side of Link's face. As Link fell to a knee in pain, he suddenly thrust his blade upwards towards Moblar's gut. Moblar squealed in pain and fell to both knees as Link's blade pieced his belly. Link stood up and begin charging his Master Sword for his most powerful attack, the spinning strike. Moblar, stunned from the blow to his stomach, was helpless before the hero of Hyrule's devastating attack as the blade slashed cleanly through his neck. With one last gurgling squeal, and wave of blood, Moblar was finally defeated.

_"Quickly Link, we must escape before the alarm bell rings!"_ exclaimed Ivan. Link and Ivan began running out of the dungeon through the corridors. Suddenly, the alarm bell rang, and hundreds of Moblins began streaming into the corridors. Link slashed with his Master Sword through the hordes of Moblins as he ran out of the dungeon creating unintelligible squeals of pain behind him. Link did not bother to look back, he just needed to escape from this wretched Moblin-infested place. Link managed to escape behind some shrubbery far away from the dungeon. _"We need to find a mount so we can get to the King's castle."_ explained Ivan. Fortunately, Link knew of the perfect mount for the journey for his rupee budget.

Link went to stables, where an old friend of his from his youth was selling an old horse. It was an aged mustang, but mustangs were powerful and reliable horses despite their age. Taking the for-sale sign off the horse, and approaching the stable door, Link presented 4000 rupees to the stable-hand_. "Take her, she is yours,"_ said the stable-hand, _"you will need to feed her before you go far, but she is reliable and should last for your journey." _Link went ahead and mounted his mustang, which he affectionately and randomly decided to name Epona. _"It is time for us to get to the evil King's castle!"_ exclaimed Ivan. With this, Link began the long ride to the King's castle.

Along the way, Link battled many enemies, and found many magical items to aid him in his journey. In Texas, Link found Power Gloves in a secret treasure chest in an outhouse at a stable for feeding Epona. In Oklahoma, Link parted with some rupees to purchase a magic boomerang from a wares peddler. In New Mexico, Link made friends with a man named Walter by killing some monsters that were interfering with his legitimate alchemical business, and received some Magic Powder. After some close encounters with his enemies in Nevada, Link decided to upgrade his armor to red (the strongest of all Legend of Zelda armors). Lastly, in Arizona Link had broken his belt in combat, and decided to purchase a new one for his armor; this belt turned out to be a magical power whip. With all of this new equipment in hand and a lot of travelling done with Epona and Ivan, Link was finally in the territory of his enemy: California.

The castle loomed beyond an unassailable gate. The gate guard appeared to be a very powerful warrior, with access to an alarm system that would make penetrating the fortress impossible if sounded. _"Why don't you try to bribe the guard with rupees?" _suggested Ivan. Link nodded in agreement, and casually approached the castle gate, with weapon sheathed. The guard at the gate looked at Link dismissively as he approached and asked _"What do you want?"_ Link held up a sack of rupees for the gate guard. _"Oh, thanks for the free rupees kid," _laughed the guard, _"but for you to bribe your way in here, you would have to play the best song you know on my flute!" _Link seemed hesitant, he had never played another man's flute before. _"You should do it, it's the only way!"_ encouraged Ivan. _"I am waiting," _the gate guard impatiently said, as he prepared his flute for Link. Link licked his lips to be able to use the flute properly, and got down on his knees for better stability for playing the flute. Link wrapped his hands on the flute, and began playing the best songs he knew on it. _"Oh fuck yes!"_ moaned Ivan. _"Oh fuck yes!"_ moaned the gate guard. After about 20 minutes of strait flute playing (haha!), the guard seemed particularly satisfied. _"You may enter, here take this with you in a jar and drink it if you get injured!"_ said the gate guard softly, as he handed Link a bottle of Lon Lon Milk. _"Oh fuck yes!"_ moaned Ivan as the guard opened the gate. Link and Ivan proceeded to enter the castle grounds.

As Link and Ivan entered the castle grounds, the immediately encountered something they had never seen before. _"Holy fuck shit, that's a Shadow Link!"_ exclaimed Ivan nervously, _"He will perfectly copy your attacks and movements, so you should use a weapon that he doesn't have!"_ Shadow Link began approaching Link and Ivan, but before he could act, Link accurately threw a boomerang at him which lodged in Shadow Link's skull, felling him immediately. _"Oh, that was…uneventful"_ said Ivan. And that was how Shadow Link was dealt with.

Link approached the main door to the castle, and tried to open it. Surprisingly, the door was actually unlocked and open slightly, as though someone was expecting Link. _"I was expecting you,"_ says a cloaked figure as it descends the stairs. Link drew his sword and shield, and slowly approached as the figure kept talking, _"I am King Robin. Zelda was a fool to call you here…all of the pieces of the Triforce are now in the same place, BWAHAHAHAHA!"_ A familiar sounding female voice was heard from a balcony far above, _"You are wrong father, he is the hero of Hyrule and you are a fool to underestimate him!"_ The man removed his cloak, revealing an aged man with a sword. On his hand, there was a mysterious golden triangle. _"You are the fool, for I wield the Triforce of Power; with your Triforce of Wisdom, and this boys Trifoce of Power I will conquer this entire world!" _Link began to feel a burning sensation on his right hand, and upon looking at it saw the same mysterious gold triangle as the man before him. _"Come then, let us do battle!"_ said King Robin as he rushed at Link with his sword drawn.

Link braced himself with his Hylian Shield, which was cut in half by a single swing of the King's sword. Link managed to slice the wrists of his attacker a bit with his sword in retaliation, but they were mere glancing blows and not very effective. Link attempted to parry the next attack of the King with his sword, but the force and weight behind his attacker sent him to the floor and his weapon across the room out a window. _"Is that all the hero of Hyrule can muster?"_ mocked the King as he slowly approached the downed Link, sword trained towards his throat. Link scuttled backwards and tried to think of something to save himself. Just then, Ivan viciously ran towards the King and clamped onto his leg with the force of a single Maltese dog. The King swiftly kicked Ivan across the room against a wall, where he lay motionless. This distraction was all Link needed though: he quickly readied his Magic Powder, and threw the entire bag in the King's face. _"W-w-what is this…?" _gasped the King as he choked for air. In the next moment, the King fell flat on the ground unconscious. _"Use….the magic whip…to finish him.."_ wheezed a barely conscious Ivan. Link dragged the King to the stairs, wrapped the magic whip around the Kings neck, and the other end to a bannister on the stairs. Linked used the strength granted to him by his Power Gloves to lift the King over the railing, and hang him from the side. The King was dead, and the triangle symbol that appeared on his hand now appeared on Link's.

Link drank the entire bottle of Lon Lon milk to heal his wounds, and ran up the stairs to the balcony where he heard the princess speaking from. Link slowly opened the door, which was locked from the outside. As the door opened inward, an axe came down on Link's hand, severing it from his body. Link fell backwards on the ground in shock, as the princess Zelda slowly walked out of the room with a maniacal grin on her face. She started to laugh hysterically, and knocked Link unconscious with the butt of her axe. The last thing Link saw as he lost consciousness with Zelda picking up his severed hand.

Lincoln woke up in a hospital and was charged with several counts of murder, and attempted murder; Lincoln was deemed mentally unfit to stand trial, and consequently was committed to an insane asylum for the rest of his life. "King Robin's" death was attributed to suicide from depression, and Zelda publically mourned her father's death with the rest of the country. Ivan made a full recovery and was returned to Lincoln's father back in Louisiana where he proceeded to win many dog show competitions.

Alone in her home, Zelda assembled the 3 pieces of the glowing Triforce, touched them, and wished: _"Revive Ganon."_

**Fin.**


End file.
